I am sure that you had a situation when you wish you could just tell the other person in the conversation to stop talking. That he or she crossed the line. That it is enough. That you are on the edge of crying or shouting or turning your back/hanging up and stopping the discussion. You would feel the chills on your skin, maybe a bit shaky as well, blood would rush into your cheeks. At least, you would feel unpleasant and kind of violated. That was a feeling that showed you how much you can take up from someone or something. Depending on your personality, upbringing and all the imprints that you are carrying from your childhood and early adolescent years, you can either try to forget that the situation ever happened and probably experience the same feelings again sometime soon, or you can clearly state to the person and/or to yourself that you will not except the behaviour or the circumstances like that ever again. And this later part is called – setting boundaries.

One of the very useful tools in psychotherapy is examining the boundary setting in someone’s life. There are different types of boundaries and it is very much worth to get tested to find out which ones are set as a healthy one in our lives, and which ones need more work. In any case, we need to be aware that boundaries are not something that you work on once in your lifetime and never again. You work through them every day, until the rest of your life. Because you change, people change, circumstances change. Everything changes, as that is the only constant. The types of boundaries classified by now are: physical boundaries, emotional boundaries, time boundaries, sexual boundaries, intellectual boundaries, and material boundaries. In the perfect case scenario, all of them need to be in balance in order that our life is in the harmony. However, not everyone of us has potential, or time to work on every part of our lives every day. So, what we can do, we choose one of them, the most critical one for example, and work on it until it is as optimal and as satisfying as it could get.

Most commonly, humans have three boundaries that are checked first when we feel that our brain health and emotional health is being disrupted. These boundaries are called personal boundaries, and are the number one reason to have some kind of problem in our lives and they have to do with: physical contact (not feeling comfortable hugging or touching a person you’ve just met), verbal interactions (not feeling comfortable being spoken down to you by a friend or family member, or anyone for that matter), and our own personal space (your home is your sanctuary and you do not want to feel unsafe there if others come into your home when you aren’t there or you do not want any visitors). These boundaries are then subclassified into smaller categories (sextual, workplace, material, time, etc.), but more generally they also exist as a situational thing: at work, at home, when visiting friends, when visiting family, and so on.

Why do we need boundaries, we might ask?

Corporations would tell you – so you can perform better at your job (if you set your boundaries around your work, and protect that space so you can have more quality time and with that more productive time, you will excel at your job). Family therapist would tell you that you need to take care of the boundaries between you and your children, because you are the parent and the kid is well, the kid, and that must be clearly pointed out, so that there is mutual understanding and respect. Same goes for the relationships, romantic or friendships. As you can see, depending on the situation, time in your life, your goals, different areas of your life are at your top three positions of importance. And that is how life is. I have noticed in my own world, that I tend to make balloon-like boundaries, meaning that I keep people at arm’s length. Considering my hard experience with people and life in general, it does not come as a surprise that I do not let everyone close to me. Even if I should. Even if that is good for overcoming past traumas.

The boundary setting can be weak or rigid, and somewhere in between there is a state of the healthy boundaries. It is all about the balance, right? With some things in life, you need to be stricter, whilst for others, you need to loosen the grip and let go. But also, there are situations where a gentle, yet firm, approach is a must. For example, in your work environment, you cannot keep some parts of yourself at arm’s length, like the accessibility of yourself for your team, or a task at hand, but you should make a clear statement what lines should not be crossed, for example, how much time you can dedicate to the specific task, what is that you expect from your team or colleagues to do as well, or if it is a task that requires times outside the working hours, and you are willing to do it, what is the compensation that you expect. This is an example about the work that you do, but it can be extrapolated to any life situation.

The word ‘boundary’ is defined by Oxford dictionary, as ‘a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line’ or as ‘a limit of a subject or sphere of activity’. So, let me ask you something. What is truly important to you? If you could choose, and nobody would object and you are free to live your life your own way (and you can, just for the record), what would you chose? Which boundary in your life is not a healthy one? What would you change and why? If you listen those whispers inside of you, those gut feelings, that is where the truth lies. No one, absolutely no one can tell you what to do. You are not a prisoner in your own life. So, what do you want to do? To whom or to what, do you want to say – it is enough, I cannot give you more, I am drawing a line right here?

Having boundaries in your life, means that you also know yourself good enough, because otherwise you would not be able to make them. Boundaries make us feeling good about ourselves, since we are taking our lives in our hands, and in this messy and hard existence, we need to feel that we can control something. And at end, we can control only ourselves and how we respond, react, and organize situations in our lives. Boundaries would boost our happy brain with dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine, and it will be easier to have that great feeling of self-esteem, joy, and contentment.

My favourite quote about boundaries:

“The more you value yourself, the healthier your boundaries are.”

– Lorraine Nilon, Spirituality, Evolution and Awakened Consciousness: Getting Real About Soul Maturity and Spiritual Growth

This is really a good one! “No” is a complete sentence.”

– Annie Lamott

And my favourite one:

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behaviour or a choice.”

– Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

Words of encouragement: If I could establish some boundaries in my life, so can you. Nothing is as hard as it seems. It looks like that only until you make a first step. Believe in the good of people and the good of your soul. Take a breath, smile, and hope. Wish you a wonderful day or night. Lots of love, Selena

1. https://urbanwellnesscounseling.com/6-types-of-boundaries/
2. https://psychcentral.com/relationships/what-are-personal-boundaries-how-do-i-get-some#what-they-are
3. https://psychcentral.com/health/quotes-healthy-boundaries#the-need-for-boundaries

Music: Podcast theme music by Transistor.fm and Slip.Stream